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Gloomy

Date: Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Time: 11:49 AM


A phone call from Sabah , last thursday , was the culprit . It gave me and my parents all the hope that i would be heading to somewhere else other than IMU . It gave us hope that our burdens would be lightened for both me and my parents .

Another call , the following day , was the accomplice . It succeeded in heightening our trust towards it . It put smiles on our faces for a few days .

I had my doubts that these calls did not guarantee me anything .

My doubts were right .

The calls were just false hope .

The results were out yesterday and ... our hopes were shattered .

I felt all the happiness drain out from my body . I couldn't smile . It was as if the ends of my lips were paralysed . I could gather no " happy energy " to push the ends of my lips up to make out a smile . For hours , I was overwhelmed by sadness , disappointment , despondency and indignation .

My dad , of all the people , cared the most about where I was going to study . My education , in a local or a private university , was a heaven and hell difference to him . To my dad , admission into a local university was equivalent to striking a RM300,000 lottery . It would also mean easier days for me in many many ways . It was crystal-clear that his dissapointment peaked among us all .

I sat down with my parents that night and we chat about the spot I was in . Turns out , I still had a grain-tiny chance at Sabah . But still , it was unlikely to happen . There was a moment of disturbing-cold silence in our chat . At least for 5 minutes , 3 of us sat there speechless , setting our empty eyesights away from each others' , as if we mourning over someone's death .

At one point , there was this inner voice that shouted repeatedly , " Say something ! " I tried to think of something more positive and cheerful to say to break the cold silence . But , I just couldn't . It was too hard for me to do so . I was restrained by my emotions .

It was the longest 5 minutes in my 20 years of life .

I can't help but feel that I've let my parents down . I've never felt so sorry in my life . Never .

It is always raining these days . The sun doesn't shine as often as before . The clouds are always shielding the sunlight away from the surface of the earth .

I hope to see sunshine . I hope that the clouds would just go and leave no remains . I hope to see cloudless blue skies . I hope to see the sun's full and warming rays .

I want my confidence and happiness back . I want the sadness and under dog feeling gone . I want my clear and un-troubled mind back . I want to see myself radiate with joy and passion like before .

I need Mr.Time to work faster in washing away these sorrows .

It is clear to me that we humans plan our ways without knowing the outcome . We don't know what is ahead of our paths . Its like we are walking in the dark . We have no idea whether the path before us leads us into a tiang lampu or a King Coil mattress .

We plan our ways . But , the ultimate plan is in God's hands . He knows what's best for us physically , emotionally and spiritually .

If I went to Sabah , I would have to work super hard to catch up on what I've missed , I wouldn't have any seniors passing me tips and notes and I would need to share my room with 3 other girls ( I don't like sharing rooms ) .

If Sabah is not what He planned for me , therefore , I'm guessing I might not survive from homesick , Wee Sim-sick and Semabok burger-sick .

Semabok Burger le , no joke ... Me ?? Separated ?? Semabok Burger ?!? Walao . Cannotla .

IMU better .






P/S : I'm totally OK . Just moody :) .

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