Life's TOUGH

Life's Tough

so get a helmet

May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
January 2010

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Emoness

Date: Friday, November 20, 2009

Time: 9:38 AM

I knew it.

Should have followed my instinct.

But I fell into it .

And now , when i think about that moment when my instinct hit me , i feel stupid .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
1 Comments

6 more days

Date: Sunday, September 13, 2009

Time: 2:58 AM

Why am i so easily persuaded , distracted ?

First i deleted the MSN contact . It helped me much . Now , i deleted the FB connection . Lets see how it goes .

Christian songs are the best for healing the emo soul .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
0 Comments

I won't deny it

Date: Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Time: 4:08 AM

Its during the nights , i think of someone .

They say that break ups have a few essential stages .

First - Denial . Second - Anger . Third - Depression . Fourth - Acceptance . Fifth - Adaptation.

I believe i've moved into the fifth stage . I no longer need that someone's company . I no longer need that someone's ears . I no longer need that someone's shoulders . I no longer feel the urge to report every tiny detail to that someone .

That someone no longer exist in my call out list . That someone no longer exist in my message outbox . That someone no longer has that special place .

I would define that as well adapted .

But i won't deny that , that someone still lingers in my mind when I'm the only one awake .

I won't deny that , I've been a stalker on Facebook .

I won't deny that , I've wondered if there was a second chance .

I won't deny that I went through Stage 2 and Stage 3 .

I won't deny that that someone was once VERY special to me .

All have changed . Its easier nowadays . I've met new faces and achieved much more .

That someone should be having zero problems , i know . Like usual , that someone's 24 hour are fully occupied .

But , I really wonder ...

Who lingers in his mind nowadays ? =]

Happy 52nd Birthday Malaysia .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
3 Comments

Nightmare

Date: Saturday, August 15, 2009

Time: 6:09 AM

Rings were involved .

2 rings . A proposal . We were close together .

It was a dream . A nightmare . Coz it made me wake up emo .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
0 Comments

Rojak

Date: Saturday, July 4, 2009

Time: 5:38 AM

The new semester has just commenced . Not used to it at all . Notes have started piling . And I don't even care a single bit . Living with no internet ,for already a week now, has driven me into day dream mode . Dwindled away a week of my precious time fikir yang bukan - bukan .

Why am i so slow . Why is my IQ so low . Why don't I remember longer . Why don't i think faster . Why don't i absorb like a sponge . Why do i feel so stupid .

I've lost the drive . Drivey drive , can you please come back ? I've lost part of me . Something's missing . I used to be able to talk . I used to be able to just walk up to anyone and crap . I used to be able to crap something funny , not always , but at least there are times when i do . Now , i am downright boring .

Can someone give me a huge blow . Wake me up .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
2 Comments

He did

Date: Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Time: 8:55 AM

She couldn't . She had the plan to stop all the misery .

But . She couldn't .

He cared . Though little , but he did .

She's thinking that she'll regret letting him off the hook so easily . But , all's well now .

The waves of the sea had calmed .

Another day will come .

Hope its not too soon .

Labels: E-mo-ments, Love Life

Posted by Paus are delicious
1 Comments

What next ?

Date: Monday, February 9, 2009

Time: 11:07 AM

finally , 3 calls plus a message .
That's a start .
But , No , she didn't pick up .

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It meant that he cared .She feels very much better than the few days before .
Should she stop her nonsense ?

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All of a sudden . She feels guilty . Guilty of what she's planning to do . Guilty that she told practically ... the whole world about it .

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But then again . She feels that its time for him to learn a lesson .
She acknowledges well that what she is doing is risky .
She knows that her actions may lead to severe consequences .
She understands that someone would definitely get hurt .

She must pick her actions wisely . Not to much . Not too little .

Labels: E-mo-ments, Love Life

Posted by Paus are delicious
0 Comments

is it normal

Date: Sunday, February 8, 2009

Time: 2:19 PM

Should boyfriends (bfs) call girlfriends (gfs) ?
Should gfs call bfs ?
A friend of mine said that both should call each other ... Alright then .
Is it normal for d gf to call while the bf just waits for the gf's call ?
Is it normal for bfs to be so busy till they have no time , not even 1 minute to call or sms gfs ??
What if , the bf calls very rare , while the gf is the one who makes the calls ? is that normal ?
Is it normal for bfs to call only when the gf ask him to or when the gf miscalled him ??
Is it normal that bfs have time for his friends , shopping , jamming , having dinner and supper but can't find the time to type a text message or dial his gfs number ??
Is it normal for bfs to forget the gfs existence ??
Is it normal for gfs to say the 3 big words instead of the bf saying it ??

It is this much that a gf can resist . Her patience has reached its ultimate super infinity maximum .

So she goes on strike. She refrains from making calls and answering calls . In hope that he'll send a sms .

24 hours passed ... No calls at all ... The ordeal-like-wait continues .

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45 hours passed ... She's holding on . No calls made . No calls received . No calls rejected . No text messages received .

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46 hours passed ... She starts wondering .

She wonders where she ranked among her bfs priorities ? Was it his plan to stop calling too and call her only on Valentine's Day as a Valentine's Day surprise .
No ... Impossible ... Her thoughts told her that it had been this way long before these few days .

Her strike will tell her the next move .

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48 hours passed ... No calls yet .

She decides . This week ... shall be the deadline . Sunday , as the first day of a week .
If results failed to relieve her disappointment , she'd stop her suffering .

Labels: E-mo-ments, Love Life

Posted by Paus are delicious
0 Comments

If I were a boy

Date: Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Time: 12:01 PM

If i were a boy ,

I'd wake her in the morning ,
Declare my love ,
Cause i know she'd like that .

If I were a boy ,

I'd text her ,
whenever I can ,
and have her text me back ,
Cause I'd know that she'll feel lonely sometimes .

If I were a boy ,

I'd listen to her ,
with full attention ,
hear her sorrows and blues ,
Cause I'd know that she needs me .

If I were a boy ,

I'd hug her close ,
ask her what's wrong ,
when her tears roll ,
Cause i'd know that she needs me , to stop her tears .

If I were a boy ,

I'd be first to say :" I love you " ,
and have her say she loves me too ,
before she says it instead ,
Cause i'd know that she preferred to hear it from me and not say it herself.

If I were a boy ,

I'd stand by her side ,
Not take the other ,
Even if she's wrong ,
Cause i'd know that she'd want my support , just for that moment .

If I were a boy ,

I'd not take her for granted ,
I'd cherish the time I have ,
Treat each day as the last ,
Cause I'd know that I might lose her , any moment .

PS:
Listened to Beyonce's If I were a boy , made me so Emo .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
2 Comments

Is it me ?

Date: Saturday, September 20, 2008

Time: 10:58 PM

I feel like I'm single .

I don't feel Mr.Hony's love , again .

Is it me ?

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
0 Comments

Help ! I'm a dope !

Date: Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Time: 11:10 PM

Early in the morning , I went to CIMB bank to open a bank account .

Filled out forms , signed here , signed there and waited for the staff to do his magic .

When everything was settled , I was required to key in my pin number .

And so , I went up to the ATM machine and keyed in the numbers I wanted . When I was finished with it , the CIMB ATM machine printed out a receipt ( like how all ATM machines do ) .

Being very curious of the typings on the receipt , I chose to take my own sweet time and read it word by word , while leaving the Bankcard still in the machine .

Just when I reached out my hands for the card , it automatically entered the ATM machine .

And the screen showed something like Maaf sth sth sth . Stating that my card got " eaten " .

I went back to seek help from the staff . But he said they couldn't open the machine as they didn't have the keys to it . Furthermore , he told me that I had to wait till the people from KL who has the key to open it . Therefore , I don't have the card with me now .

I think this was the first time something like this had ever happened in the bank .

The man and the other staff must have thought , " Where got people get Bankcard and lose Bankcard in the same hour one ?"

I feel so embarrassed and stupid and also pathetic .

I did something else that made me felt even more dumb than Dumb and Dumber . It had a straight forward answer to it , but I made the wrong choice . And that cost me ... A LOT ( in terms of cash and emotions ) .

Because of the wrong choice , I lost when I could have easily won .

I felt so terrible today , that I have to keep telling myself , " What's pass is past , tomorrow's a new day and a new beginning . "

Then , I thought to myself . A doctors job involves making decisions and choices . One slight mistake may cost a life . Throughout my 20 years of living , when it comes to situations where I had to make choices , I made a majority of wrong choices .

I worry for my future patients . I worry for their lives . I worry that I'll be a lean mean killing machine .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
1 Comments

Gloomy

Date: Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Time: 11:49 AM

A phone call from Sabah , last thursday , was the culprit . It gave me and my parents all the hope that i would be heading to somewhere else other than IMU . It gave us hope that our burdens would be lightened for both me and my parents .

Another call , the following day , was the accomplice . It succeeded in heightening our trust towards it . It put smiles on our faces for a few days .

I had my doubts that these calls did not guarantee me anything .

My doubts were right .

The calls were just false hope .

The results were out yesterday and ... our hopes were shattered .

I felt all the happiness drain out from my body . I couldn't smile . It was as if the ends of my lips were paralysed . I could gather no " happy energy " to push the ends of my lips up to make out a smile . For hours , I was overwhelmed by sadness , disappointment , despondency and indignation .

My dad , of all the people , cared the most about where I was going to study . My education , in a local or a private university , was a heaven and hell difference to him . To my dad , admission into a local university was equivalent to striking a RM300,000 lottery . It would also mean easier days for me in many many ways . It was crystal-clear that his dissapointment peaked among us all .

I sat down with my parents that night and we chat about the spot I was in . Turns out , I still had a grain-tiny chance at Sabah . But still , it was unlikely to happen . There was a moment of disturbing-cold silence in our chat . At least for 5 minutes , 3 of us sat there speechless , setting our empty eyesights away from each others' , as if we mourning over someone's death .

At one point , there was this inner voice that shouted repeatedly , " Say something ! " I tried to think of something more positive and cheerful to say to break the cold silence . But , I just couldn't . It was too hard for me to do so . I was restrained by my emotions .

It was the longest 5 minutes in my 20 years of life .

I can't help but feel that I've let my parents down . I've never felt so sorry in my life . Never .

It is always raining these days . The sun doesn't shine as often as before . The clouds are always shielding the sunlight away from the surface of the earth .

I hope to see sunshine . I hope that the clouds would just go and leave no remains . I hope to see cloudless blue skies . I hope to see the sun's full and warming rays .

I want my confidence and happiness back . I want the sadness and under dog feeling gone . I want my clear and un-troubled mind back . I want to see myself radiate with joy and passion like before .

I need Mr.Time to work faster in washing away these sorrows .

It is clear to me that we humans plan our ways without knowing the outcome . We don't know what is ahead of our paths . Its like we are walking in the dark . We have no idea whether the path before us leads us into a tiang lampu or a King Coil mattress .

We plan our ways . But , the ultimate plan is in God's hands . He knows what's best for us physically , emotionally and spiritually .

If I went to Sabah , I would have to work super hard to catch up on what I've missed , I wouldn't have any seniors passing me tips and notes and I would need to share my room with 3 other girls ( I don't like sharing rooms ) .

If Sabah is not what He planned for me , therefore , I'm guessing I might not survive from homesick , Wee Sim-sick and Semabok burger-sick .

Semabok Burger le , no joke ... Me ?? Separated ?? Semabok Burger ?!? Walao . Cannotla .

IMU better .

P/S : I'm totally OK . Just moody :) .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
1 Comments

implicit affections

Date: Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Time: 12:38 PM

PS : i have highlighted the important parts for easier reading . Posted this not to flaunt what i have . It serves as a reminder to me . Oh ya , keep in mind that my relationship before " something changed " was not always so negative . There were happy and unforgettable moments too . Its just this time , i felt compelled to post this up to remind myself of the things that i realized . Happy reading :) .

Once , i had the feeling that i was the only one in a relationship , clapping with an imaginative hand.

I felt self-counsciously distressed . I felt embarrassed . I felt that i had just slapped myself in the face . The feeling is like how you would feel when your " hi " and " hellos" are not returned , but 10 times magnified . I felt a pinch at my heart .

I felt that it might just have been his puppy love that started it all .

I felt that he had never put serious thought into the relationship . I felt that he might have just initiated the relationship just for the rush of thrill at the early beginnings of our relationship . I felt cheated . Again , i felt another pinch at my heart .

Often , he kept me waiting for him . Phone call , dates , etc...

I wondered where i stood in his heart , how important was i to him . If he'd auctioned me off , would i be regarded as - dirt or invaluable ( valuable beyond estimation ) . It pinched my heart when i realize i was thinking of where i ranked among the others in his life when it should be a known fact .

He did not constantly say that he loved me . He did not send lovey-dovey messages . He did speak mushily to me . He did not have the thirst and craving for me as i had for him . It did not seem like he cared for me . My heart was squashed this time .

But , something changed .

Last week was the first week of all local university orientation . He was busy all day and i figured it would be best that i , being the annoyance in his life , not disturb him till his day was over . I didn't know what time his day would end . Therefore i could only wait for his call .

His actions surprised me .

I didn't set any rules stating that he had to call me everynight . But , he did . He called me and talked to me about his day . I did the same . It was a hectic day for him . Choir practice , making new friends , being ragged by the seniors all day , etc ... It surely kept him busy . And by the end of the day , he would be jaded . Despite all the activities he had , he managed to give me some of his time each day . I was touched .

He went back to Melaka for the weekends . So did I . There I was complaining that i had money shortage to him and that it was a problem for me to treat my dad as an atm machine as we drove around in the car . We drove pass Maybank . And his car came to a halt all of a sudden . I stared at him . And he blurted that he'll get me some money . Awestrucked , i declined immediately .

It was then time to part ways again . He drove me to Melaka Sentral . Before alighting his car , he put his arms around me . Me , being conscious of the public eyes , pulled away just after a few seconds . But , he held on . There was this glint in his eyes that told me he appreciated me .

I was touched . His actions told me everything i longed to know from him .

I felt stupid that i created conflicts again and again because of my insecurities.

I was so immature .

Why didn't i see this side of him ?

I was flooded with guilt . Guilt that i created unnecessary conflict ; guilt that i wasted his time ; guilt that i put the blame on him whenever there was conflict ; guilt that he had to tolerate my behaviour . I felt very sorry for strangling him and being so selfish .

Thinking back , he has never really started an argument with me or refuted my cruel remarks of him . He just absorbed it in . I guessed he understood that it was just petty issues and refuting my words would do more harm than cure to our relationship .

I felt through his actions that DEEP down ... he cared .

People around us convey their love not only through spoken words . But , silent and low-profiled actions .

Your eyes alone cannot see their love for you ; your ears alone cannot hear their affection for you . You need the help of your heart to feel it , with your eyes and your ears as aid .

Take a pause in life. Enlarge your eyes , clear your ears , open your heart . The tiniest actions have the greatest meanings .

Implicit affections.That's what i call it.

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
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Dear god

Date: Monday, June 23, 2008

Time: 4:45 AM

Dear God ,

Many times , you leave me curious , wondering about the many plans you have in store for me . You've once said in Isaiah 44:2 ," I am your Creator . You were in my care even before you were born . " God, you knew me when i was still as young as a fetus . What are your plans for me ?? Apparently , the plans you have for me are contradictory to mine .

Don't get me wrong . I am not infuriated or resentful of how things have resulted . I am satisfied and happy at where i stand . However , a myriad of questions has flooded my mind .

At one time , I thought I would walk a smooth-sailing path into local universities . Obviously , the peaceful sea that I once thought I was going to sail through isn't as calm as i thought . Nonetheless , I'm utmost thankful that You've given me somewhere to dwell for the next 5 years . What perturbs me is the impacts of the new environment on me .

From one point , I see myself focused , studying hard and achieving satisfactory results that enable me to persist through the gruelling 5 years without any repeats . At the same time , i see myself enjoying life there , making new friends and gallivanting all over Malaysia with them. And after 5 years , I see myself glowing with pride while having the widest smile on my face, in an academic dress with a mortarboard on my head and an IMU graduation certificate in my hands .

Looking at the flipside of the coin , I see myself stressed up in my studies , as if studying in a pressure cooker . Yet , i fail my weekly quizes , monthly tests and semester exams . Not only that , i covert myself from the crowd . Instead of mingling around with them , i dash back into my haven - room 23-3 on the 23rd floor of block B condominium . And after 5 years , I see myself green with envy at the sight of my fellow course mates' graduation while i am left behind , still struggling through first year studies .

I know very well that it is impossible to predict or set what happens and what doesn't happen in my life . One thing for sure is that You'll be there for us no matter sunshine or rainfall . In Hebrews 13:5 , You said , " I will never leave you ; I will never abandon you . " Your words in Psalms 121:7-8 says , " The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

You'll watch over me . That's all that matters .

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
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It hurts

Date: Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Time: 4:00 AM

It hurts
When you bruised your knee , and there's nothing you can do except wait for it to heal .

It hurts
When all that you have been working hard for , is flushed down the drain in seconds.

It hurts
When , after shedding gallons of tears , the sun still doesn't shine .

It hurts
When you see others who had not suffered as much as you , get what you longed for .

It hurts
When you fail to achieve what you want , all because of one silly mistake .

It hurts
When that silly mistake costs you your future , and there's no way to turn the clock around .

***

It hurts
When, after putting all the effort and love possible , you are regarded- useless .

It hurts
When you are criticized by the ones you really love and care .

It hurts
When you've clearly been a great dissapointment and expect to be lectured , yet they stand beside you and lift you up .

It hurts
When you've treated your loved ones roughly , yet they shower you with as much love as before .

***

It hurts
When all the things that you do , are invisible to other eyes.

It hurts
When you are sad and in need of someone's shoulder , yet you are left with the table to shoulder your tears .

It hurts
When you want the world to hear you , yet , no matter how loud your roar is , it remains a kitten's purr.

It hurts
When you want the world to see you , but they treat you like transparent glass.

***

It hurts
When you've sacrificed everything for them , but instead of feeling appreciated , you feel used for their personal gain .

It hurts
When you expect them to be sensitive to your needs , but they waltz into the room without looking at you .

It hurts
When you are left there , waiting and waiting for them to show , but they are away , relishing themselves .

It hurts
When you want to spend all of your time with them , but they'd rather their time spent without you .

It hurts
When its not your fault , but to repair the damages , you give in and make it yours instead .

It hurts
When you hope for apologies and changes , but all you get are excuses .

It hurts
When you realize things would have turned out better , if only you had held on to your intuitions.

It hurts
When all these haunts you , again and again , and you are unable to erase them from your memories .

It hurts
When all you can tell yourself is - think positive .

Am i alone ?

Labels: E-mo-ments

Posted by Paus are delicious
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