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implicit affections

Date: Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Time: 12:38 PM

PS : i have highlighted the important parts for easier reading . Posted this not to flaunt what i have . It serves as a reminder to me . Oh ya , keep in mind that my relationship before " something changed " was not always so negative . There were happy and unforgettable moments too . Its just this time , i felt compelled to post this up to remind myself of the things that i realized . Happy reading :) .

Once , i had the feeling that i was the only one in a relationship , clapping with an imaginative hand.

I felt self-counsciously distressed . I felt embarrassed . I felt that i had just slapped myself in the face . The feeling is like how you would feel when your " hi " and " hellos" are not returned , but 10 times magnified . I felt a pinch at my heart .

I felt that it might just have been his puppy love that started it all .

I felt that he had never put serious thought into the relationship . I felt that he might have just initiated the relationship just for the rush of thrill at the early beginnings of our relationship . I felt cheated . Again , i felt another pinch at my heart .

Often , he kept me waiting for him . Phone call , dates , etc...

I wondered where i stood in his heart , how important was i to him . If he'd auctioned me off , would i be regarded as - dirt or invaluable ( valuable beyond estimation ) . It pinched my heart when i realize i was thinking of where i ranked among the others in his life when it should be a known fact .

He did not constantly say that he loved me . He did not send lovey-dovey messages . He did speak mushily to me . He did not have the thirst and craving for me as i had for him . It did not seem like he cared for me . My heart was squashed this time .

But , something changed .

Last week was the first week of all local university orientation . He was busy all day and i figured it would be best that i , being the annoyance in his life , not disturb him till his day was over . I didn't know what time his day would end . Therefore i could only wait for his call .

His actions surprised me .

I didn't set any rules stating that he had to call me everynight . But , he did . He called me and talked to me about his day . I did the same . It was a hectic day for him . Choir practice , making new friends , being ragged by the seniors all day , etc ... It surely kept him busy . And by the end of the day , he would be jaded . Despite all the activities he had , he managed to give me some of his time each day . I was touched .

He went back to Melaka for the weekends . So did I . There I was complaining that i had money shortage to him and that it was a problem for me to treat my dad as an atm machine as we drove around in the car . We drove pass Maybank . And his car came to a halt all of a sudden . I stared at him . And he blurted that he'll get me some money . Awestrucked , i declined immediately .

It was then time to part ways again . He drove me to Melaka Sentral . Before alighting his car , he put his arms around me . Me , being conscious of the public eyes , pulled away just after a few seconds . But , he held on . There was this glint in his eyes that told me he appreciated me .

I was touched . His actions told me everything i longed to know from him .

I felt stupid that i created conflicts again and again because of my insecurities.

I was so immature .

Why didn't i see this side of him ?

I was flooded with guilt . Guilt that i created unnecessary conflict ; guilt that i wasted his time ; guilt that i put the blame on him whenever there was conflict ; guilt that he had to tolerate my behaviour . I felt very sorry for strangling him and being so selfish .

Thinking back , he has never really started an argument with me or refuted my cruel remarks of him . He just absorbed it in . I guessed he understood that it was just petty issues and refuting my words would do more harm than cure to our relationship .

I felt through his actions that DEEP down ... he cared .

People around us convey their love not only through spoken words . But , silent and low-profiled actions .

Your eyes alone cannot see their love for you ; your ears alone cannot hear their affection for you . You need the help of your heart to feel it , with your eyes and your ears as aid .

Take a pause in life. Enlarge your eyes , clear your ears , open your heart . The tiniest actions have the greatest meanings .


Implicit affections.That's what i call it.



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